Thursday, March 8, 2012

Moving on

So, upon researching several different insurance companies (the one we had jacked our premium up to some outrageous amount), I found myself having a difficult time getting excited about being able to see all new doctors. I mean, it did seem exciting at 1st. However, the more frustrated I got going over plans(they pretty much made it unaffordable for those with individual family plans- it would cost less to pay out of pocket), the more frustrated I got thinking about how I would literally be starting with square one going to doctors. Making the appointment, the anxiety over if I will just find another doctor who will tell me I have bad luck, telling each doctor EVERY.DETAIL.OF.MY.PREGNANCY.HISTORY. <-- the more I thought about <--THAT, the more I felt like I don't want to do this anymore. I actually for the 1st time in 3 1/2 years started to not feel bitter towards those announcing their pregnancy or the birth of their newborn. It was literally like a light switch had been flipped in how I thought about it. Like it just didn't matter anymore. Towards the end of my insurance researching, I was in POAS marathon mode......and all I was getting were BFN's. At that time, I felt in a way defeated but at the same time, a sense of peace. Maybe it's time to throw in the towel & just not worry about it anymore.

Let's face it, I'm 35. That age number right there increases my chances (and it even says so on Wikipedia.com- this is right on their website "The age of the mother is a significant risk factor. Miscarriage rates increase steadily with age, with more substantial increases after age 35"). I already have an issue, no I'm sorry, I mean "bad luck" with miscarriages. Age may just be a number, but in the TTC world, age 35 is a MAJOR number. It makes me feel like if I had a chance, I don't really stand a chance. It's been literally an obsession for the past 5 years & it was the same routine over & over & over again. It used up so much of my energy. It took away so much from me.

I guess if I'm really supposed to have any more children, it will just happen whether or not I do everything that every book says to do to conceive(which I have tried every method at least 3 times). I'm not going to go out of my way to "try" anymore. No more POAS to see if I'm going to ovulate, no more POAS to see if there is a BFP waiting for everyday starting at 9dpo until AF arrives, no more calculating my EDD for the next cycle, just NO MORE (Just one exception, that is unless AF is late....you know, when a "normal" person would test)!

I do have other things I should focus on. I mean, going through loss after loss is no picnic & does put some strain on a marriage from the stress, it puts strain on the way I do my job as a business owner, as a mother, as a "normal" person.....it's just a lot of stress to deal with. It has made me bitter. I don't want to be bitter, it was never my intention to become bitter. It just happened over time.

Well, I don't have feelings of being bitter any more & I don't have the time or energy to go back to that dark place again. I need to be me again. The me that was me before we started TTC #3.

I got rid of the books on my Kindle wishlist that had to do with miscarriage & pregnancy. I tried selling my TTC stash on eBay, but it didn't sell. I'm not good with words, so I'm not good with descriptions or pricing for that matter. My stuff never sells well on eBay. So, I have it packed up & put away until I decide how I'm going to get rid of it. I have thought about getting rid of all of the baby stuff we have. I mean, that's how it usually works right? You get rid of all of your baby stuff & suddenly you're pregnant with an "oops baby". I hear it all the time, it's happened to my neighbor- so I know it really can happen. I could easy get rid of my TTC stash....but I am really having a hard time even thinking of getting rid of my baby stuff stash. We spent A LOT of money on those clothes, strollers, toys, etc. I wouldn't want to start from square one on buying baby stuff all over again I guess, that stuff was expensive! I don't know where I'll go with that but for now, I can't get rid of it.

So, that's the scoop. Time to move on. I apologize to everyone if I bored you with my stories, if you felt like choking me & telling me to just snap out of it & give up, or however I made you feel. Of course, it was never my intention to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry if that was the case. I thank all of you who have given me support, no matter how crazy I was or sounded.

Time to focus on a new life without the TTC stress. Who knows where it will take me.

4 comments:

  1. I look forward to following your journey... wherever it may lead!

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  2. As I sit here eyes full of tears, I really don't want to say the wrong words, but please know I do feel your pain, want nothing but the best for you and yours, you are strong, you have come through a lot, and there will be more pain in life, but I guess we do have to accept what will be will be. I do long for those words from you and all the unique ways you have made those wonderful announcements. I love you, and what ever I can do let me know if it's in my power I will make it happen. Hugs

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