Moving on

So, upon researching several different insurance companies (the one we had jacked our premium up to some outrageous amount), I found myself having a difficult time getting excited about being able to see all new doctors. I mean, it did seem exciting at 1st. However, the more frustrated I got going over plans(they pretty much made it unaffordable for those with individual family plans- it would cost less to pay out of pocket), the more frustrated I got thinking about how I would literally be starting with square one going to doctors. Making the appointment, the anxiety over if I will just find another doctor who will tell me I have bad luck, telling each doctor EVERY.DETAIL.OF.MY.PREGNANCY.HISTORY. <-- the more I thought about <--THAT, the more I felt like I don't want to do this anymore. I actually for the 1st time in 3 1/2 years started to not feel bitter towards those announcing their pregnancy or the birth of their newborn. It was literally like a light switch had been flipped in how I thought about it. Like it just didn't matter anymore. Towards the end of my insurance researching, I was in POAS marathon mode......and all I was getting were BFN's. At that time, I felt in a way defeated but at the same time, a sense of peace. Maybe it's time to throw in the towel & just not worry about it anymore.

Let's face it, I'm 35. That age number right there increases my chances (and it even says so on Wikipedia.com- this is right on their website "The age of the mother is a significant risk factor. Miscarriage rates increase steadily with age, with more substantial increases after age 35"). I already have an issue, no I'm sorry, I mean "bad luck" with miscarriages. Age may just be a number, but in the TTC world, age 35 is a MAJOR number. It makes me feel like if I had a chance, I don't really stand a chance. It's been literally an obsession for the past 5 years & it was the same routine over & over & over again. It used up so much of my energy. It took away so much from me.

I guess if I'm really supposed to have any more children, it will just happen whether or not I do everything that every book says to do to conceive(which I have tried every method at least 3 times). I'm not going to go out of my way to "try" anymore. No more POAS to see if I'm going to ovulate, no more POAS to see if there is a BFP waiting for everyday starting at 9dpo until AF arrives, no more calculating my EDD for the next cycle, just NO MORE (Just one exception, that is unless AF is late....you know, when a "normal" person would test)!

I do have other things I should focus on. I mean, going through loss after loss is no picnic & does put some strain on a marriage from the stress, it puts strain on the way I do my job as a business owner, as a mother, as a "normal" person.....it's just a lot of stress to deal with. It has made me bitter. I don't want to be bitter, it was never my intention to become bitter. It just happened over time.

Well, I don't have feelings of being bitter any more & I don't have the time or energy to go back to that dark place again. I need to be me again. The me that was me before we started TTC #3.

I got rid of the books on my Kindle wishlist that had to do with miscarriage & pregnancy. I tried selling my TTC stash on eBay, but it didn't sell. I'm not good with words, so I'm not good with descriptions or pricing for that matter. My stuff never sells well on eBay. So, I have it packed up & put away until I decide how I'm going to get rid of it. I have thought about getting rid of all of the baby stuff we have. I mean, that's how it usually works right? You get rid of all of your baby stuff & suddenly you're pregnant with an "oops baby". I hear it all the time, it's happened to my neighbor- so I know it really can happen. I could easy get rid of my TTC stash....but I am really having a hard time even thinking of getting rid of my baby stuff stash. We spent A LOT of money on those clothes, strollers, toys, etc. I wouldn't want to start from square one on buying baby stuff all over again I guess, that stuff was expensive! I don't know where I'll go with that but for now, I can't get rid of it.

So, that's the scoop. Time to move on. I apologize to everyone if I bored you with my stories, if you felt like choking me & telling me to just snap out of it & give up, or however I made you feel. Of course, it was never my intention to make anyone feel uncomfortable. I'm sorry if that was the case. I thank all of you who have given me support, no matter how crazy I was or sounded.

Time to focus on a new life without the TTC stress. Who knows where it will take me.

New year means new hopes & new things to try

Well, we are still TTC. So, that tells you that we have not conceived yet.

I found out that the B-Fruitful is not compatible with Clomid. They basically cancel each other out because the B-Fruitful has vitex in it, which is a no no when taking clomid.

So, I did one or 2 cycles with both this year, meaning those cycles were a bust.

I am going to go the herbal route this cycle. #1) the B-fruitful helps prepare your body to become pregnant #2) B-Fruitful helps make you fertile. #3) The carry-on (should I become pregnant) will help to prevent pregnancy loss. #4) I've been on clomid for a very long time, I just want to give my body a break from it.

All clomid does is make me more fertile. Really, I don't even need clomid. I do ovulate on my own. I begged the dr. to put me on clomid to move things along since I was was pushing to be 35. She agreed it would increase my chances to become pregnant sooner. Well, even on clomid, it's still taking forever now.

So, I think it would be best to try something different & do it correctly this time.

The baby psychic, Cheri22, said that I had a Sept. connection. This cycle would give me a Sept. baby. I would actually be due about Oct. 4th. But since I would have a c-section, I would certainly have the baby in Sept.

Another thing that has my hopes up high is the fact that my nephew, who has no idea we are trying to have a baby, went up to his mom & told her that Uncle Bryan, Aunt Jody, Leslie, & Valerie are going to have a baby. Children sure have a sense for this kind of thing. I know Leslie once talked about the baby in my tummy, we JUST found out we were pregnant at the time but we had not told the girls yet. But she knew!

Bryan just found a picture of us when I was pregnant with Valerie. Now, we really got an itch. He's ready to adopt, I want to go a different route first & try having a surrogate. My sister offered to do it a while ago. I'm not sure if she would still do it, especially this point in time of her life. She has just finished nursing school. She still has to take her nclex but she is currently looking for a job. So, I guess we will have to see how that pans out or if I should look at other options, or settle with adoption. So much to think about...but seems like not enough time to think about it & get it done. I guess time will tell.

Here's to a new year, with new hopes & dreams!

Wow

I thought this was neat. It puts a visual on our journey. Some of those numbers are tough to look at. The # of hours online, I would say the majority of the hours were spent just after a loss. As I would be online getting support. I really don't spend 10 hours a week online researching.

So far....

I apologize for not being very good at updating.  We have been very busy.

As for the last cycle, the IUI failed.  I started a new cycle the end of Oct.  We were going to continue with the IUI this cycle, however scheduling conflicts didn't allow for this to happen.  I am bummed about it but I think we did good on our BDing days.  So, we still have a good shot.  I am currently in the 2ww at 6dpo, only 3 more days until the POAS marathon begins.  Wouldn't it be something to have a little announcement at Thanksgiving.  Though, I can't say everyone will be excited.  When you have been through the ringer like I have, a positive pregnancy test isn't as exciting as it is for most people.  I mean, yes, I'll be excited, but I'll be more scared & anxious than excited. 

I wish I could say I would be happy & over the moon excited when I get a positive pregnancy test, like I did when I was pregnant with the girls & then with the 1st miscarriage.  But I know in my heart it will never be like that again. Now it's, "Oh God, please don't take this one away too".  :(   *SIGH* 

In the meantime, I have been in & out of depression all year & the past month or so is the best I've felt in such a long time.  So, my spirits are up & I'm aiming high!

So repetitive......but kinda not this time

When you have been TTC as long as we have, it is all very repetitive.  AF arrives, wait to O, lots of baby dancing, then you O, then you are in the 2ww again, repeat, then repeat, then repeat.....I think you get it.  Well, this time is a little different.  We decided to do the IUI this cycle.  So, even though the process is still the same, getting the IUI takes the anticipation of the 2ww to a whole new (much higher) level.  Most especially because our 1st IUI attempt was successful, I just wasn't able to sustain the pregnancy.

We did the IUI on Wednesday, October 12th. According to my chart, I O'd the same day as my positive OPK (very weird).  Usually, you O the day after a positive OPK.  Not to mention, I O'd on cd14 this cycle.  I usually O on cd 15-17.  So, this was early for me.

It's so hard not to try to read into every little thing during the 2ww, but when you have an IUI, you have higher expectations so it's hard to not be anxious all the time.

You know me, (POAS addict) an early tester.  So, the POAS marathon will begin on Friday but I don't actually expect to get a BFP confirmed until Sunday.

Trying new stuff

I forgot to write about the new things I'm trying this cycle when I did my last post.  That's what happens when you get older, you start to forget.  Hmmm, that biological clock sure is ticking for me.  I'll be 35 in less than a month.  I always said I would be done having kids by the time I'm 35.  Seems how I really feel that my family is not yet complete, we are just going to continue to push on....at least until the end of the year.  Then, we are talking about focusing on something new.  But that is still in the works so I'll just leave it as a tease for now.  Hey, you know my luck, if I say it I will jinx it!  Sorry, I'm not taking that chance.

Back to the new stuff........

I started taking Royal Jelly (it is honey bee secretion that is used in the nutrition of larvae, as well as adult queens.  If you are allergic to bees, don't take this).  Royal Jelly gives you more energy & I've been told it increases egg quality.  Since we still fall in the unexplained secondary infertility category, I am just trying to cover my bases.  I take this once a day.  I just have the $5 bottle from Walmart.  But I know GNC carries it as well.

I have also added an herbal supplement called B-Fruitful (Infertility, Conception, Pregnancy Support. Pregnancy Safe Herbal Formula that has been used Safely and Effectively for over 20 years.).  The ingredients include: False Unicorn, Vitex, Squaw Vine, True Unicorn Root, Black Haw and Ginger.  I say, anything that has ingredients with the word unicorn in it has to be some magical stuff.  Therefore, I must try it! I've always loved unicorns. Taking it is kinda a PITA if you ask me.  But if I get a healthy child out of it, it will be worth it.  I will put the link for it at the end of my post.  It comes in an 8 oz bottle, so it's not very big.  The part that is annoying is when I'm pouring it to measure it out, it travels along the bottle instead of into my measuring cup.  I have to do this 3 times a day.  It's only 1/2 of a teaspoon each dose but it's potent stuff so I add some water to it so I don't choke on its potency.  So, I will take this everyday like that until I achieve pregnancy.  Then, once pregnant, I am to wean off of it 3-5 days after pregnancy is confirmed.  

If or when that happens, I will continue with another herbal supplement called Carry On (Miscarriage Support. Pregnancy Safe Herbal Formula that has been used Safely and Effectively for over 20 years.) Ingredients include: Black Haw, Wild Yam and False Unicorn.  This has been recommended by several midwives & has shown to stop miscarriage.  The link for this will be at the bottom of my post.  With this, I will use 1 teaspoon every 4 hours until I am past the time I usually miscarry which is 5 1/2 weeks along. I have already stocked up on this so I don't run out when I still need to take it.

I am 1dpo.  So, I just ovulated yesterday.  I didn't ovulate until cd17, which is late for me.  I wonder if this new stuff I'm taking has anything to do with it.

I guess we will see in 2 weeks if any of this was worth it.  Then again, I guess you can't really say for sure it was the cocktail I took or if it was just the fact that my body was ready to be pregnant again.  *sigh*  So, we may never know.

B-Fruitful- http://www.trilighthealth.com/Pregnancy/Pregnancy-Safe-Products/B-Fruitful-Infertility-Conception-Pregnancy-Support-Pregnancy-Safe-Herbal-Formula-that-has-been-used-Safely-and-Effectively-for-over-20-years-Formula-by-Shonda-Parker-CCE-Midwife-Approved-p47.html

Carry On- http://www.trilighthealth.com/Pregnancy/Pregnancy-Safe-Products/Carry-On-Miscarriage-Support-Pregnancy-Safe-Herbal-Formula-that-has-been-used-Safely-and-Effectively-for-over-20-years-Shonda-Parker-CCE-Formula-p49.html

An update & Friend's new blog

 So, this cycle or the next cycle will fall into when Cheri22 predicted I would be pregnant.  She said I had a Sept./June connection.  If I get pregnant this cycle, I will actually conceive & find out in Sept & my EDD would be June 4th(ish).  Or the next cycle will start at the end of Sept, give me an EDD of July 4th(ish) but since I will have a c-section that would give me a June baby.  I know it's getting close.  It's been a long year because I had to wait so long to even begin trying again due to the ectopic.  So, I'm on day 3 of taking clomid.  It sure has taken a hit on me this time.  I am very emotional.  I know that's one of the side effects but I don't remember it ever having that effect before.  Small price to pay to get the big prize though.

One of my friends started a blog I thought some of you might be interested in.  Her sister cannot have a child on her own so she has decided to give her the most precious gift, and have one for her.  Here is the link if you are interested: http://thegiftofachild.blogspot.com/2011/09/gift-of-child.html